Recently I’ve gotten into the website twitter.com. Twitter is basically a site people use to write short little updates like “Josh is about to murder Steve” and “Steve is wondering why Josh is in his house.” Pretty much just a facebook status.
Let me make this clear, I do not use twitter and I’m pretty sure I never will. This is my main draw to it: celebrities use twitter. They write stupid blurbs about their everyday lives so their fans can all read them and say to themselves “Wow, he’s just like me!” as they wait for their Tombstone Pizzas to finish cooking. I admit saying that makes me kind of a hypocrite because I follow a few comedians on it BUT MOVING ON. I could care less about what 99% of these celebrities are doing (David Lynch gives his fans weather reports…I am not joking) what I really like is that it shows me how celebrities write. And guess what? A lot of my assumptions were fucking co-rect.
Xzibit A
At 2:44 PM on March 24 Ashton Kutcher wrote this:
in other canadian news the bull semen was actually used 2 lubricate the release of the dolfin http://tinyurl.com/d7arun
First of all DO NOT TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT. All you will find is misery.
Secondly, really Ashton? Dolfin? You are a married 31 year old man raising children and you can’t spell dolphin? And to make matters worse, you linked an article you “read” where they FUCKING SPELLED DOLPHIN OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Too bad there isn’t a number pronounced “dolphin” because you could just take the easy way out like you did with the word “to.” And don’t say “I did it because it takes 2 much time 2 write 2 out.” You did it because you don’t know how to spell “dolphin.” You probably think you spelled “Punk’d” right too. Whoever taught you you can make a conjunction out of one word should be dragge’d ou’t int’o th’e stree’t an’d murdere’d.
…Oh I just can’t stay mad you, those soft brown eyes…
Xzibit B
At 6:31 AM on March 21 Chris “Ludacris” Bridges wrote this:
DAILY QUOTE: We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.—Aristotle
Kinda nice right? This is the very next entry written at 5:51 AM March 22.
LUUUUUDDDDAAAA! What’s good Twitterville? Are ya’ll enjoying the weekend?
I’ll be honest, Ludacris’ twitter is really, really fun to read and I don’t even want to bad mouth it. It’s like he’s some sort of superhero that lives a double life. One day he’s a mild mannered actor that like’s copying and pasting quotes then the next day he becomes…well…Ludacris. He also talks about drinking a shot of Xango juice daily. Xango claims to benefit the body in numerous ways including preventing cancer. It has not been tested thoroughly by the FDA. My point? Hurry up and read Ludacris’ twitter while he’s still Ludaliving.
Xzibit C (and a personal favorite)
Yeah, he’s got one.
At 8:28 AM on March 26th Shaquille O’Neal wrote this:
Its freezn n portland, schwlbbbbb schlwbbbb dats da lip shiver sound
Alright, Shaq is out of his mind. BUT, you really have to take into consideration the fact that his fingers are as big as laptops. When Shaq wants to write something I’m sure it must take a long time. In fact it was probably January when he started typing it. One month spent typing the first part, another month spent deliberating how to put into words the sound his lips make when they shiver, and most of March finishing the entry. The one thing that stands out about Shaq (other than the fact that he is huge and insane) is that he’s very vocal with his fans. He spends more time getting back to them than he spends writing his own little gems. In fact, in one entry he writes this:
Anybody in portland touches me rt now will get two tickets I’m at redstar cafe
That’s right, if you touch Shaq he will give you free tickets to a game! How great would it be to not even have read that and just high five shaq on the street? He turns around, winks at you, and gives you two tickets to his game WITHOUT EVEN EXPLAINING WHY then walks away. You’d think you did something remarkable. And you did, you high fived Shaquille O’Neal. Congratulations on being 20 feet tall.
To finish this I’m just going to leave three replies Shaq has given to his fans based on a comment they left him. Interpret them as you will.
Reply to anniboat:
yea I did I thought dat was gum
Reply to badsantajc:
I remember u I whooped dat ass lol u wanted to fight me lol and I ran
Reply to AllStarNinja
sure u were poopsie cakes
